The X Factor Recap: Whole World's Upside Down

Stop giving me White Castle and telling me it’s filet mignon! That, in a Styrofoam container, is my desperate message to Simon Cowell and his producing cronies at The X Factor.

Tonight’s installment — the fifth one focusing on the Season 3 audition rounds — was littered with mediocre vocalists who received lavish praise and occasional standing ovations from a judging panel that really should (and probably does) know better.

Don’t get me wrong: Demi Lovato brings a sassy charm to her role as The Voice of The Youth (TM pending). But I just cahhhhhhn’t when she stares down fit young guys whose grasp of pitch is as shaky as my 2013 “cut down on wine and carbs” resolution and yaps out critiques like, “You are so cute: I’m gonna say yes!”

And when the actual talent highlight of a two-hour episode is a formerly engaged duo spitting their peculiar (but super-catchy) dance track called “You Better Ask Me to Dance” — or maybe Kelly Rowland boogying down to/lipsynching said number — then you know you’re probably not on the journey to find the next One Direction or Leona Lewis (or even Tate Stevens).

But enough of my kvetching! Let’s instead cut to my ranking (from least- to most-promising) of the dozen or so latest folks to advance to the Season 5 “Four Chair Challenge.” (THAT NAME!) (Bear in mind I’ll be back overnight to update this recap with full reviews of each and every one of ‘em):

12. Khaya Cohen, “Love You I Do”/”I Put a Spell on You” | Nope, her second attempt wasn’t really any better than her dreadful first. Did Simon actually invoke Adele and Amy Winehouse’s names? And is there a tribunal at The Hague that’ll have his tongue for such blasphemy?

11. James Kenney, “Summertime” | A catastrophic reimagining of an American classic — like throwing gummi bears on a pizza!

10. A four-way tie among indistinguishable snippet types
Celine Polenghi, “When You Believe”
Bree Randall, “Treasure”
Primrose Martin, “Nobody’s Perfect”
Summer Reign, “Impossible”

6. Emery Kelly, “I Won’t Give Up” |

5. Tim Olstad, “One Thousand Years”

4. Wesley Mountain, “Wanted”

3. Second Hand High, “You Better Ask Me to Dance”

2. Lorie Moore, “I Have Nothing”

1. The Three Soloists Spliced Together Singing “I’m Going Down”

And with that, let me turn things over to you. What did you think of tonight’s X Factor? Who were your favorite wannabes? Did you disagree with any of the judges’ decisions (i.e. Second Hand High)? Take our poll below, then expand on your thoughts in the comments! (And remember, as I said before, I’ll be back overnight to update this post with more detailed contestant reviews!)

Source: TV Line

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